I wish I could go back to being able to really open up in these posts, and be honest about my feelings. It was always quite cathartic to do, but I need to stick to my guns, and whilst I have lapsed a few times in the 5 months since I said I wasn't going to write any more there have been many things which I have kept to myself. Perhaps I'll share them one day...
I had a theme planned out for today's blog, but I've changed my mind. Doesn't seem so appropriate now, I was greeted this morning by a dead gerbil. The "circumstances"around his death are unclear but either his brother his responsible for his death or he tried to eat him back to life. Either way - not good!
I shall still mention the song I was going to mention (I like the music theme!) - I'm not a Take That fan by any stretch of the imagination but this song popped into my head this morning, and having taken the time to really listen to the lyrics I realised it's actually quite fitting!
Nothing much else to report anyway, other than my general fed-up ness!
I did get a card in the post today (slightly belated!), which made me smile.
Unfortunately my head doesn't replicate the serenity of today's weather. I've been relatively content, as I have been for the last couple of days too (which is always nice) but there has been a lot of to-ing and fro-ing going on as well! On the whole it comes down to the waiting that I was talking about yesterday, I'm growing more and more inpatient over several things - my lack of knowledge one way or another is making it impractical (I was going to say impossible) to decide the various things that I've been pondering, I can only get as far as "if x happens then I'll do this and if y happens I'll do that".
The fact I'm waiting means I'm over-thinking too. I'm looking for reasons as to why I would have doubts about certain decisions, why I do or don't want certain things to happen. I'm convinced my brain enjoys tying itself in knots! I know that it's futile and that I just have to carry on waiting. I shall just have to eat more ice cream to distract myself!
Good thing I'm at work tomorrow. I need something to do!
These guys aren't going anywhere in a hurry are they? They're happy to stand, and watch, and wait. OK, OK, I know they're made of wood so they don't have a lot of choice!
What happens when we have to wait though? We have to do it all the time, sometimes just a few minutes whilst waiting for a friend to turn up perhaps; but often it can be longer, waiting to hear a decision about a job maybe. Whatever the scenario by waiting, you're in a kind of limbo aren't you? You're waiting for someone to make a decision, or something to happen and it's out of your control. But what can you do while your waiting? If you're simply waiting for a friend it's normally a matter of killing a short amount of time, until they show up. Nothing major. Being kept in the lurch waiting to hear about a job offer would be far more inconvenient though (not that I am waiting to hear about a job by the way!), you suddenly lose the ability to plan ahead. You don't know what you're going to be doing in a week or a month, where you might be so you just have to keep waiting. Going through the motions of life until enough time has passed that you've heard your news, unable to do anything but make lots of hypothetical choices.
It's human nature to want to be in control to some extent or another, some people will need more control than others but I guess it's there in everyone. At the same time it's part of life to have to wait for things and how a person deals with this waiting probably says a lot about a person.
Sorry - this was one of those no idea where it's going 'til it gets there posts!
"No one ever said it was easy. no one ever said it would be this hard"
Unlike yesterday, I agree with this one and don't want to switch it round. That's the way the cookies crumbles though. It's often said that nothing worth having comes easy so we just have to do our best to smile and get on with it!
Not sure where I was going with this, I'm in a particularly negative mood or anything. It's just an observation I guess. I wouldn't mind a bit of a switch around with what's difficult at the moment mind you - it all seems a bit unbalanced at the moment!
I was going to quote the Keane song, "Everybody's changing but I don't feel the same", but then I realised that was backwards, although "Everybody's staying the same but I'm changing" doesn't have quite the same ring to it...
Anyway, I started back at work today. 3 and a half weeks early so it was gentle. I was in the shop next door for the most part to make it easier - just as well as I had 10 minutes of bike selling to do at lunch time and I couldn't help but start trying to move things (then promptly decided I couldn't 'cos it hurt).
It was good to be back, not only does it mean I've earned some money, it was nice to interact with people. I actually felt a lot less awkward with some of the kids than usual too, although I discovered that I need to add playing with a catapulting cow to the list of things that I can't do at the moment! It was the first day in 2 and a half weeks that I haven't had an afternoon nap so I am now a bit tired and a bit sorer than I'd like (even not doing anything strenuous involved using both hands!), but I'm glad I did it, back for the same again next week!
My mission is to sell as much of this as possible, hats seemed to be a big seller today, along with cuddly toys!
It's funny how our perspectives and views on things change. Whilst it's to be expected that the things we see and experience will shape us as people it's probably important to try and put a positive spin on things.
I'm not going to go into the specifics of my new thinkings, mainly because I've had too much time for such ponderances recently! Some are indeed positive, and I hope I can hang onto these; there is probably an equal amount of negative type things though. There are several things in both categories - some big, some small. Some will probably fade, but I'm sure I'll hang onto others. But that's human nature though right?
Today's picture. It's raining so I haven't been outside, but what I have been doing (amongst other things) is continuing with the "I'm bored so I'm going to teach myself some anatomy and medicine from textbooks" powerpoint (well Keynote). It's getting close to 100 slides now! As I bought one of the books new I have access to it's online image library, and I'm typing a lot of the stuff out word for word from the book, but I feel like I'm picking things up so it's not a complete waste of time. Can't be worse than watching any more Scrubs/Family Guy/Simpsons anyway!
It's fair to say I'm getting fed up of being broken now! Not enough to do, and still too much time spent making various "ouch" related noises!
After a walk in the drizzle to get there, you're greeted by a queue out the door to check in. When you finally get in you wish you were outside. Stifling heat, people at various stages of "old" chatting loudly - the biggest news topic being "ooh, well there's that new Christian doctor" (who isn't new!), small children making noise with books that make zoo animal sounds and the poor staff being so behind by 10am that there are no seats left. If you weren't ill when you got there you will be by the time you get out...
There was also a random pair of wellies by the door (village life, eh?) and a poor abandoned purple teddy looking for his owner.
After waiting for nearly half an hour I was called in. There was more chit-chat than I'd like, but the de-stitching was fine...I could definitely have done that myself. Just a bit of a pull and it was good.
I rang the hospital too, still no sign of my letter(s). It would appear that without telling me, rather than seeing me next week, I can wait until the middle of next month (7 weeks post-op). Not sure I like that, I should probably look at it from the other side and take it to mean there's no cause for worry, but I quite like being told everything is going to be OK...
The other letter I didn't get apparently contains my recovery instructions, including the getting stitches out in 10-12 days (hmmm), and apparently the fact I'm now allowed to carry out some gentle elbow exercises (as far as pain allows). Good thing I phoned them really!
It turns out that my elbow doesn't really like moving that much, and that I have too much time on my hands to play with iPhone photography apps!
Oh yes, go me!
Yeeeaaaah...too much time...
I shall have to make more of an effort to learn stuff, I'm not sure I'm retaining much, at present anything new in my head has to be good though. Just 1 less thing to try and learn at med school (if I get in!). Might even go back to work at the weekend, what's the worst that can happen?
I've only got one and a half seasons of Scrubs left...no work = no new box sets! Uh-oh!
Whilst I'm still feeling sore, and still find a knife/fork too heavy I'm in a good mood today! One of my oldest friends came home from uni so we spent a few hours together which is always good, made even better by the change of scene it provided.
Finally got round to doing some "learning" this afternoon too, I don't know how much I'm actually going to retain, and it'll be pretty useless if I don't get in to med school, but it's interesting and won't do any harm!
Nothing interesting to photograph so here's some notes I made. Not bad considering it was all wrong-handed!
One handed typing is losing it's appeal very rapidly and it's nearly time for "film Friday" so that's all for today.
At lunchtime today I was ready to declare today a non-day with nothing achieved but actually it's been alright. This is more of a surprise given that last night I had an epic reflex catch moment, this would have been OK had the thing I caught not been relatively heavy and the fact I caught it in my recovering arm! That was an unpleasant experience, I was a bit worried that I'd undone any good work but it settled down and now just feels like it did a couple of days ago.
So, what have I achieved today?
I've watched almost an entire season of Scrubs. It's better for spending a long time watching than Family Guy! Seems to be good at teaching life lessons, and whilst there isn't much medicine in it, it seems to be good a mojo returning.
I've also managed to get my elbow almost straight today, not quite, and it doesn't like bending much, but hey - it's progress. Perhaps my biggest achievement is that I've not had any painkillers today and I'm not a gibbering wreck. It's definitely sore, but manageable (although will probably have something before bed), but that's still good, right?
Went outside too. Dog walking. Well mainly following other people walking dogs.
Right. I'm going back to watching Scrubs. Fingers crossed my contentedness will last!
I was doing so well yesterday, until about a quarter to ten. Then I had a little craziness explosion. Responses to this were varied, and interesting to analyse the morning after. Perhaps the one person who I was expecting the most support from was dismissive, so I retreated to my bed and thankfully twitter came to the rescue. It's amazing what a virtual hug and some kind words can do. If you were one of the twitter folk that was there, it was greatly appreciated; I'll try not to do it again...
So what am I doing, the day after, to make everything better? I was told last night that it's OK to be sad and that it's still early days. Both true, but I'm not one to sit and mope if it can be avoided and without clearing a few things up, that's what'd happen if I do nothing but wait until it's no longer early days.
Some thinking I did while I was trying and failing to get to sleep last night, the rest when I walked "the long way home" from the shop.
(this makes home look far away given that the church you can see is my village)
(the gate was open...very inviting)
The pressure I've put on myself isn't going anywhere anytime soon and nor is the amount I've got depending on the outcome. What I can do, or at least try to do, is accept that other than following any instructions there isn't anything I can do to change it, and therefore there's no point in dwelling on it...so we're back to whatever will be will be. (none of this helped by the fact I keep wondering if I actually want one of the big things that's depending on it...)
I've just got to be patient *sigh* and go with the flow. Easier said than done I know, especially when I'm saying it now but will have to implement it when I'm far more tired and grumpy.
That was all a bit heavy and I want to end on something a bit lighter. Mainly the fact I'm a muppet. I began listening to my audiobook today - I'd transferred it onto my phone to make it more convenient than the having 12 CDs. So I set it playing, after about 20 minutes I had no idea what was going on. I've read books by this author before, and didn't think it was in his usual flowing style, but it's going to be different listening rather than reading. I decided that maybe I'd just been dozing and I needed to skip back a track to catch up. I then realised I had it set to shuffle. So I'd actually been listening to consecutive random extracts from the book! So I went back to the beginning and started again.
It made a lot more sense after that. Although it's still a very different experience, it conjures up different images - especially with the chap reading it doing all the voices!
Now is the time to doze in front of a film. Being too tired clearly isn't doing me any good, and I'm sore now. Managed a couple of these paragraphs with 2 hands... (only a couple, I'm trying to be careful!).
Today is proving to be much more successful. Not that it would take much to beat yesterday!
Despite the fact I had to get the bus, I spent a few hours in town with the grandparents. Whilst it was highly frustrating having to sit and watch someone cut up my food it was still yummy. As was my cappuccino...
On the suggestion of a well respected (by me anyway) twitterer, I visited the "big" library whilst I was in town to borrow an audiobook. I picked a book I was going to read anyway, and it'll take 13 hours to listen to it so should keep me occupied for a while, if I can stay awake!
Upon returning from town I was feeling really quite depleted, and rather sore. Although not much - the few hours out felt like a lot of effort! Needed a bit of a lie down...
No extra painkillers though, I'm determined that if surgery has fixed me I ought to be able to cut them right down. I'm already starting to regret that choice, but you have to try to see what it's like, right? I'm still not sure if some of the pain I'm currently feeling is the same as pre-op, I really hope it isn't, but it'll be a while before I find out for sure. Just have to try and be vaguely disciplined and not do too much too soon - can't afford to jeopardise it!
Hopefully this current burst of non-grumpiness (wouldn't want to use too strong a positive adjective!) lasts. Nothing on the agenda for tomorrow so who knows! I'm running out of Family Guy too, things might get a bit hairy after that!
Today's grumbles started earlier. Not even a tin full of deliciousness could help.
From where I'm sitting there are a number of issues, the first is that having nothing to do at the moment. This has led to entirely too much time with just myself for company (already!) and I suspect this is a big contributing factor to the other 2 big problems.
1) I don't think I can do it. This was something I tweeted last night, leaving "it" undefined. Having given it some thought there are many "it"s. Some are very trivial, some are much bigger in magnitude. All are hurdles, I can either fight and get over them, or turn and take a different path - but that path will probably have hurdle too. So then what?
2) Ouch. Something's been added into the mix of post-surgery pain. Something unpleasantly familiar. The same thing that led to the surgery in fact. I shall try and retain optimism but if it really is still there then, well...I go back to point 1.
I'll get past this at some point, I know I'm being silly so I just hope it is soon!